theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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