the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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