I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
