Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
