for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
