Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
