Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
