I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
