I didn't shave. On purpose
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
