dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
