I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
