This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
