I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
