She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
