So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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