Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
