WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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