Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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