Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i will never coherently bang her
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
