Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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