Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
