And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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