He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
