dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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