Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
