Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
