I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
