I'm lost and stupid without you.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
