Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
