My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
All I want is dick and wine.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
