The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
