five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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