It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
