i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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