Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
