My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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