my mouth tastes like poor choices
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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