youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
