You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
