So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I want to fling myself into the sun
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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