Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
