I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
