youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
