your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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