did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
