I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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