You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
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