i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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