I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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