I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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