He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
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You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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