stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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