i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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