She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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