i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
