Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
