I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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