hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
